Thomas Coyote Baxter

I came across ‘Waking Up In Reno’ while desperately clawing for a film on Blockbuster’s shelves. When there’s one dust-covered copy in stock with but one rave review from a local milkman, there’s little reason to free the moths. But when so many famous faces (and Patrick Swayze) line the cover, including ‘Lara-loving’ Billy Bob Thornton, curiosity gets the better of you.
Lonnie Earl (Billy Bob) and his wife Darlene (Natasha Richardson) have taken an SUV from the dealership they own and hit the road with friends Roy (Patrick Swayze) and Candy (Charlize Theron) to see the monster truck rally in Reno. Of course nothing is ever straightforward. Earl’s been sleeping with Candy, and the raunchy revelation’s about to burst their bubble.
It’s a wonder why famous actors decide to star in low budget films, even when the scripts have less meat on them than a mcnugget. Reno is both low-budget and unoriginal. Blatantly obvious really judging by the lack of critics’ quotes on the box (but then, what do they know?).
Okay,so first impression’s hit hardest and this film in reality isn’t as bad as you’d expect. It progresses in the same style as a Woody Allan film where unrelated events constantly unfold (designed to be absorbed rather than experienced). Every so often something amusing happens and when it does, it’s usually worth it.
Though most of the scenes aren’t sidesplittingly hilarious, they make an average film interesting. Billy Bob collects all the laughs for his calm, half-assed approach to every mishap and he gives the film some ground to stand. Thank god as everyone else is so horribly average, especially Swayze, who tries too hard to prove ‘Ghost’ wasn’t his only good lead (the dramatic irony).
But despite the poor acting (though a cameo by Penelope Cruz is mildly rewarding) this film is surprisingly easy to sit through. Basically because it’s easy to follow and the comedy sections are fun to watch. It isn’t going to be a film you’re going to watch again in a hurry, but it’s perfect for that post-club viewing that doesn’t have to be serious, politically-correct, or explained…ever.

The lights dim. The audience settles. Star Wars Episode 2 is here at last. But, is there cause for celebration after the diabolical Phantom Menace? Well, Attack of the Clones is certainly an improvement, at least. As the film speeds off, we are treated to one of the most thrilling speed chases since the pod race of episode 1. Instantly obvious are the sumptuous backdrops, which only compliment the star wars universe. From the colourful skyscrapers down to the surface of Tatooine, the film is stunning, possibly even moreso than its predecessor. However, good looks cannot save a film and the main area for criticism here is pace. Whereas Episode 1 had no pace whatsoever, Episode 2 has a very confused one. After the first chase scene, the plot slows down to a dull, lifeless conversation, leaving you restless. It’s this confused combination of action with conversation that is the film’s achilles heel. There are several seat-fidgeting sections scattered throughout which are a nightmare to witness. Every so often, the film perks up again with an action sequence (the most surprising and entertaining being a light saber battle with Yoda), and the humorous antics of C3P0 are worth the admission price alone. Sadly, other nagging imperfections prevent E2 from being a unique experience. My main gripe is with the computer animated Yoda, who looks so painfully fake, he makes for a constant eyesore. On top of that the acting is trivial, with average performances from Hayden Christenson -an actor too overwhelmed by the role of Annakin to take him seriously- and Christopher Lee, who constantly acts as though he’s in a cereal commercial. Slap in some neat SFX-clad gunbattles, less screen time of Jar Jar, and an introduction to Jango Fett the bounty hunter and that’s your lot. When E2 is good,it’s magnificent. When it’s not,it makes ‘the avengers movie’ sound appealing.

Last week I realised I was getting old as a fortune teller offered to read my face instead of my palm, I was mistaken for Tintin, and I managed to lose a battle proving ‘Diet Coke’ and ’Cola Light’ were one and the same (which I stand by). But don’t worry, turning twenty on Monday won’t affect my outlook on life in any way and I won’t change at all, even if it does mean Chesney Hawkes may have to come off my wall. Anyway, for this week’s review I decided to rent out ‘Underworld’ starring Kate Beckinsale, released to buy this week.
For over a thousand years a war has raged between the vampires and the werewolves (or lycans as they’re known). When rebel vampire Selene (Beckinsale) tracks the enemy to a subway one night, they attack unexpectedly in plain view of ordinary humans. Selene then discovers the lycans are themselves tracking a human for reasons unknown and refuses to rest until she knows the truth.
Basically the film runs along the lines of Blade and TV’s Angel with the eery backdrops, the interesting but disappointingly shallow characters, and the matrix-style martial arts. The film borrows its ideas from several other important texts and films. The concept of a war being ended by the uniting of 2 families (or species) is taken from Romeo and Juliet, the twist in the tale is taken from The Time Machine, and the settings and action scenes are ‘inspired’ by The Matrix. It’s impossible for me to explain anything more about the plot without spoiling the story, but rest assured that after the initial 10 minutes, it’s engrossing enough to keep you glued right to the end (the final twist itself is enough to warrant a viewing). The only thing to complain about here is the no-frills acting performances from everyone. Nobody feels passionately enough to convict to their characters and although Beckinsale takes the lead role, she’s no better than anyone else on-screen. If only they’d filmed without the actors…

Scary, stomach-churning, and devilishly unfunny. But after skipping through the ‘also in the same bargain bin’ trailers, The Ring is an entirely different matter. For some reason, a video tape exists which contains segments from someone’s nightmare (nightmarish in the style of ‘The Shining’ rather than ‘The Tweenies’ ). When anyone views the tape, someone or something telephones them to let them know they have but 7 days left to live (nothing like a ghost with phone etiquette).
Journalist Rachel Keller (played by the brilliant Naomi Watts) is chasing up a story on the mysterious video after her niece and friends are found dead suspiciously exactly a week after viewing the tape. Of course, she feels the need to view the tape herself as well as let her son and ex-boyfriend view it. Now they’re about to discover what curiosity did to the cat.
It amazes me how a script can have so many rewrites and still be as muddled as the first draft. Saying there are problems with the script is a serious understatement. Character development is thrown out of the window making the minor characters confusing and they leave you begging for more information on several occasions. The events which unfold are altogether baffling and even after several rewinds, some of the storyline still fails to make sense. The main characters are thankfully well portrayed and Rachel’s son bares an uncanny resemblance to Haley Joel Osment in ‘The Sixth Sense’ (probably the director Gore Verbinski’s intention) and they manage to add most of the atmosphere to the film. A good thing really as somebody forgot to tell Gore that constant rain doesn’t make an average horror movie brilliant, and this is an average horror movie.
Yes, the story is at most times very engrossing (for those ready to argue me) and at times it can even be spine-tinglingly chilling. But, what destroyed the film for me was the overuse of the dreaded horror movie clichés (loud bangs, silly plot twists, and the ‘oh my nose is bleeding for no reason’ shock pushed things too far). Other parts of the film were too ridiculous to be taken seriously. For example, when the ghost calls Rachel’s ex after he watches the tape, he doesn’t answer. So it leaves voicemail (Perhaps if he’d dialled 1471 he’d have saved us all a lot of time).
Being a remake of an early Japanese film, you’d imagine everything to be bigger and better and in some ways it is. The acting’s very well done as is the directing. Whoever wrote the screenplay needs to be fired, that goes without saying. A lot of tidying up would have probably made this film shine. It’s good, but far from exceptional. I suppose the real satisfaction here is at least in the end it wasn’t the butler.

American comedy team ‘Black Lizard’ are behind this patchy comedy, and have been touted as the next Month Python. Based on the rivalry between highway patrolman and local cops, the film follows five immature Vermont state troopers as they struggle to keep their jobs after their department comes under threat of closure.
This film’s a mix between ‘Police, camera, action’ and ‘The Office’. Although it’s a little hard to make out what’s going on with all the swearing and heated arguments, there are a fair few laughs to be had (the funniest scene involves the troopers teasing a group of paranoid dope-smokers). Sadly, the jokes are blended together with a lacklustre plot that goes nowhere except out of its way to bore the pants off the audience. The plot doesn’t even come close to the brilliance of the Monty Python series and to be honest, most of the jokes are only funny if you love stoner flicks like ‘Jay And Silent Bob’. Altogether, the funny parts aren’t enough to make this anything more than a sloppy mess of ideas.

Yesterday I sat and watched my cat cleaning herself to see if anything could possibly compare to the horror that was ‘Stealing Harvard’. Whoever thought this would make compelling viewing obviously found the bible hilarious. Brian Mcculloch, the man behind such movie bin-liners as ‘Dog Park’ is responsible for this trashy flick. John (Jason Lee) is looking forward to buying a house with his fiancee (Leslie Mann). That is until his niece asks for 30,000 dollars to pay her through college, after bringing up a decade-old promise. He teams up with Duff (Tom Green) to find the cash any way, any how.
Tom Green was funny once, but in the same way a bad hair day is the first time. He constantly appears in dreadful films playing the professional pervert exploiting the world of toilet humour. He’s particularly bad in this as he doesn’t even have one line worthy of a smile and his entire performance is like vomiting backwards. Lee is boring and overused. If I hadn’t seen ‘Heartbreakers’ I wouldn’t have given him the time of day. Resorting to dressing the male cast as women for its humour, the sloppy script just bleeds its way around the screen. The disc isn’t even worth coasting your coffee. It’s brainless and funny. Try teaching your carpet spanish and you’ll know how stupid you’ll feel after.

Finally, I feel I can safely say we’ve seen all the best marvel action heroes come to life on our screens. We’ve watched Batman and Robin run around Gotham in kinky spandex, witnessed Patrick Stewart proving bald actors still exist, and even been subjected to a certain green-eyed meanie who’s never too shy of a little bad publicity (see Peter Mandelson).
Let’s be honest here, the first Spiderman movie was brilliant. Willem Dafoe’s never been anything short of terrifying when playing bad guys (his Speed 2 incarnation only confirms this). But, the thought of Alfred Molina –one of Britain’s finest- playing the key ‘bad guy’ role in a Hollywood blockbuster made me far more excited about the sequel. Therefore, I made it a mission to see this and you’ll be pleased to learn that Spidey 2 is even better than the first. It could possibly even be the best super-hero film in recent years.
The story carries on where the first left off and explains just how complicated Peter Parker’s life really is. With Mary Jane still hopelessly in love with him and Spiderman still being his suppressed alter-ego, he’s simply trying to look after his Aunty May who’s forgotten what a giro looks like. After much pondering, he finally decides to drop his role as city saviour to become an ordinary suburbanite. Of course, that’s until Dr. Otto Octavious accidentally mutilates himself when his fusion experiment goes horribly wrong.
If you’ve seen the first film, there’s no way you’ll not be going to see this one. Director Sam Raimi has clearly designed this film to be viewed specifically by those who’ve seen the first, and it’ll make little sense to those who haven’t. The first thing noticeable about the movie is how big an improvement has been made to the CGI special effects. Whereas in the first film, Spider-man’s swinging scenes looked more like a cartoon blended roughly with the live set. Here, every scene blends seamlessly into each other and it’s amazing how much greater the adrenaline rush is during the action scenes, compared to the original.
As acting performances go, Alfred Molina takes the crown. I feel there’s been a lack of seriously colourful super-hero villains since 1996 when ‘The Riddler’ and ’2-Face’ hit our screens. Since then, we’ve only seen typically ‘macho’ villains (Bullseye, Green Goblin etc). Molina, on the other hand, can at times be terrifyingly menacing yet at others be amusingly ridiculous (like in one scene where he argues with his robotic arms).
Furthermore, what makes Molina work well with the film direction is the brilliant way Raimi shows us the innocent-minded Otto Octavious at the beginning before showing us the twisted and demented Doc Ock after the experiment. It’s fair to say it’s been a long time since a director has included substantial before and after bad-guy cut scenes, and the last time I recall it being employed was for Jack Napier AKA The Joker in Burton’s ‘Batman’ back in ‘89. Everyone else works well and the romantic cut-scenes between Peter and MJ thankfully prevent SM2 from becoming another ‘Hulk’.
Basically, if you loved the first Spiderman movie (or even if you hated it, you may prefer this one), then get to see this soon. It’s so much better than the original in almost every way, and it’s always nice to see Kirsten Dunst in something slightly more compelling than Jumanji

After setting up my new business, leaving my old job, preparing myself to go back to uni, and finally discovering the difference between a glacier and a glazier I’m back with this week’s column. I apologise if I’ve been appearing and disappearing from the paper over the past month or so, I’m just so busy watching repeats of Coronation Street in a desperate attempt to catch up with the Dev, Mya and Sunita love triangle. All thanks to the horrific exam resits I had to endure throughout July. Besides that, I’ve spent the past 6 weeks trying to find a cheaper-than-chips holiday (which resulted in my wardrobe collapsing after trying to visit Narnia).
So anyway, I decided to review Scary Movie 3 this week as I’ve already reviewed the first two, so think it only fair to conclude the trilogy properly.
Well, the first thing which should be mentioned about this film compared to the previous ones is that it’s remarkable clean. Probably due entirely to the fact the Wayans brothers chose to opt-out of it and hand the reigns over to David Zucker (Naked Gun, Airplane!). Of course this means we see Charlie Sheen and Leslie Nielson back in action which I have to say is terrific as they’re probably two of the funniest comedy actors ever.
It’s a bit of a shame therefore that Nielson only appears briefly in the film with a few corny lines that are, although slightly amusing, only trying to remind us how great he was in the earlier days. Charlie Sheen, on the other hand, dominates most of the screen time and you can’t help but raise a smile every time he appears as its his passive dim-wittedness that made us laugh when he was Topper Harley rather than what he said. Especially funny is the scene where he has a flashback of his wife’s death (mocking the movie ‘signs’) and he walks up to the drunk who has just mowed down his wife. The first thing the drunk says is ‘I’ll need a ride home’.
Other amusing film moments include the Pamela Anderson introduction, the corpse revival section, the ‘aliens are after us’ section (where Nielson takes over), and the actual video that kills people in 7 days (mocking ‘The Ring’). Most other parts of the film are just painfully unfunny or desperately unfunny. Particularly the ‘8 Mile Vs Simon Cowell’ part which is insulting at best.
As a whole this film has quite a few serious laughs to be had but also has many missed ones and looking at the film in terms of the trilogy as a whole, this is the worst of the bunch. The replay value is somewhat limited and after a couple of viewings you’ll probably end up selling this. All in all, one to view but not buy. Ah well, at least it’s good to see Ja Rule doing something he’s good at (anything besides rapping)

I don’t regard myself as being childish in any circumstance, but when I heard Arnie was back I almost dropped my skateboard with delight. Yes, the ultimate machine franchise is back but it seems only Schwarzenegger survived the cast reshuffle, with the notable absence of both Edward Furlong and Linda Hamilton as John and Sarah Conner. Instead, Nick Stahl replaces Furlong and Claire Danes is introduced as the on-screen love interest (a desperate attempt to fill the gaping plot holes).

In the style of the first two films, the supercomputer Skynet has sent another robot back in time. The T-X as it’s called (Kristanna Loken) is the most advanced terminator yet and her mission is to terminate John and his lieutenants-to-be. It’s unknown why Skynet never thought of sending a robot after an easier target. Sarah Conner’s great, great uncle was probably a retired milkman with a fatal aluminium allergy. It can be safely assumed Skynet runs Windows 95.

If you’re expecting this film to match the excellence of James Cameron’s first outings, you’ll be seriously disappointed. The fact that Mr. Cameron chose to let someone else take the helm has created serious repercussions and T3 dumbs itself down excessively for the multiplex masses. The storyline is wafer-thin with countless attempts to amuse the audience with quotes and gestures derived from the first films (though the scene where Arnie steals clothes is amusing). The acting misses Furlong’s edgy and quick-thinking persona and Kristanna Loken doesn’t come close to matching Robert Patrick’s performance as the cheekily sadistic T-1000. Instead, the T-X seems more like the shop window dummy that won’t stop coming.

Now, if it’s an all-out popcorn action flick you’re looking for this may just be the flick for you as there’s plenty of it. Your eyes will roll as Arnie and Kristanna take turns to throw each other through walls and off buildings. The car chases and explosions will entertain everyone and the only thing missing is the snazzy way Arnie reloaded his shotgun in the T2 motorbike chase.

I know fine well everyone will see this film regardless of my opinion and so they should. It isn’t a great film and at points you’ll feel you’re watching the first films all over again, but the battles are gripping and thoroughly entertaining. The second half of the film is better than the first (possibly because Claire Danes stops talking) and the ludicrous ending manages to work well to conclude the trilogy. I would say that if you detest action flicks, don’t bother seeing this unless you’ve got a very large popcorn. Otherwise, by the end you’ll probably have crafted a full size origami duck from the wrapper.